thoughts about things

My dog was put down today.

Afterwards, my mum commented that she wished it were that easy for humans (who were needlessly suffering).

I don’t think Toby asked to put down. That was the disturbing part. I’m pretty sure he would have happily (maybe not happily) but he would have walked around in circles until he dropped dead. And the naturalist and the purest in me stubbornly thought it most appropriate to let a creature of nature die by nature’s hand, not by man’s. Not to have man go and interfere and make a decision of behalf of this beautiful part of nature, because he believes “he knows best!”.

But, well, we bred this dog into the world for the purpose of it being with people… We treated it better than differently to a wild animal, we even made it part of our family. And we became his family. Do we then cast aside all human intervention at the point of near death and very possibly, suffering?

He wasn’t in a great way. It was obvious he’d had a stroke. He was certainly on his last legs. I… I guess I just hated to take away his life without him having a say in it! Dogs aren’t all dumb. They have feelings. I wish I could hear him say, it’s okay. But they have instincts of survival; to never give in, to fight ‘till the end. That’s why this, to me, all seemed a bit premature and without consent. Toby didn’t have his last battle. Toby didn’t struggle for his last breath of air, before falling to the ground.

After his apparent stroke, he seemed to regain back some of his senses… But anyway… It wasn’t a 100% dignified way to go… He struggled when a mask was applied to his mouth and nose so he wouldn’t bite anyone when the injection was administered. He didn’t enjoy being held against his will, especially when he probably wasn’t all that sure what the fuck was going on. But his passing was peaceful. And sad. Always sad… Why sad… Losing someone… Perceived loss…

Okay. That’s what shits me. I read about how we’re all spirits evolving and “no-one really dies!… It’s all an illusion! We’re all never separate from each other. We are all one.” But then when my experience as a human is contrary to that - I find myself reacting as any normal human being would… I feel annoyed - angered that I should succumb to this illusion. That I should buy into it. That I should have this real sense of loss and not be able to “rise above” it, as I (perhaps “wrongly”) gather I should. I feel I should perhaps be “better than this”. “See beyond what I see with my eyes”.

Those are all intellectual thoughts. I don’t hold them in my heart. I don’t feel them as experience. I still have much to experience before I am at peace with myself as a human being.

I don’t like having feelings occur when they’re potentially embarrassing or when one doesn’t want to appear upset to others - ‘cause that’s upsetting to them!

At the same time, it’s not as though I want to get used to family/friend death because of having many experiences, so… Perhaps I’m just a middle-class human whingeing about being uncomfortable with death. Ha. Makes me feel a little better to know that my issues are comparatively somewhat trivial, in the scheme of things. I’m thankful that is the case, really!…

God loves you Toby. I love you. I hope we meet again! But I hope you’re not as snobby as you sometimes were - here on earth - when that time comes. :P Let’s have fun together like he did here on earth. Let’s play and be silly. Let’s be two souls caring for each others being. :)

Thank you for comforting me when I needed it, Toby. I remember you coming to me when I was crying; dogs know. I’ve known you for 17 years. I guess you’ve always been there. At the door step. When I come home. I’ll think I’ll miss you, though I don’t want to. ‘Cause that upsets me. You’ve given me a lot of joy. A lot of joy, Toby.

I don’t care to think what it’ll be like what my parents and sisters go..